I was not sure, where life would go
If I would raise babies, if I would raise pets
If I would get married and do things that way
If I’d travel the world or chase after my dreams
The vision was there but it was not clear
I was not sure where life would go
I just knew I had to show up, I had to buckle down because one thing about me; i cannot give up
I was not sure what this pain was about, it was emotional, mental & physical… without a doubt
I showed up every day & did the best that I could
But the pain was too much sometimes, my insides felt glued
I was not sure where life would go, but I just kept going, trying to find ways to feel better
Make it a good day, don’t even worry about the weather
Expressing how I felt, sounding like I’m full of excuses
Trying to be great but inside i feel useless
I was not sure where life would go
But I went about it;
“Everything is normal,” so that’s what I thought
All I knew was to fight it so…. We fought
I was not sure where life would go until I made it to the ER one too many times
I demanded answers even though I was risking not being given the time
I became so desperate, I said “take it all out”
I was not sure where life would go any way, how it would even play out
I accepted that i would raise pets and not babies instead, I knew that none of this was all in my head
I would never be called “mom,” I would never know that love
I will have a scar forever, “I’m getting too old any way,” acting like it was no big deal just so that this pain and I can sever
I was not sure where life would go, but I continue to wonder if it will ever end, if me and this “thing” in my body, are supposed to be “friends”
Will I ever feel okay for more than a couple of days?
I am not sure where life is going, but I am here now…. Feeling crazy for waiting patiently for it to disappear somehow